May25

Unconditional Love

I’ve been working through a meditation series recorded by my friend and brilliant astrologer Jenn Racioppi, and today’s audio track asked us to focus on our fourth chakra and unconditional love.

Unconditional love is…impossible.

That’s where I went.

And it’s not that I totally believe that, since I’ve seen and felt the unconditional love between parents and children, but at that moment, I was thinking about romantic love, which always seems to come bound up with a long list of conditions. We’ll call that list the “I’ll love you as long as you…” Insert your insecurities there.

Because I simply can’t just breathe and feel unconditional love, I started thinking about what it would mean to allow myself to unconditionally love a romantic partner. Is that even possible? Could I be capable of loving someone even if he cheated on me, or yelled at me, or ignored my needs?

I don’t know that I could do it for anyone, but the guy I’m dating now is pretty special (okay, he’s exceptionally special and we’re in love) and we’ve had a rather unconventional and deeply emotional courtship. Could I do it with him?

Would I be willing to try?

Why not? Why not say yes? Why not open myself to the bigness of that love and see how it might transform me, might transform him, might transform us.

And that doesn’t mean I would stay with him if he cheated. I definitely wouldn’t stay with him if he hit me or was cruel to me. But he’s not that type of person, and even if he were, the challenge is to love him beyond being with him, even if we weren’t together, even if it didn’t work out (though I really am hoping it does).

So I’m starting with him, opening myself in an incredibly vulnerable and exciting way. Unconditional love.

Let’s see where this experiment goes.

Apr24

Lost Girl

I’ve always been one of those women searching the world for answers.

In your 20s, it’s acceptable. But most people have it figured out enough by their 30s.

And then there’s me: mid-thirties, single, and taking a path rather different than most.

I walk lines between naiveté and wisdom like the lines don’t exist at all, like the same force that spills brilliant words from my lips keeps the wonder in my eyes and foolishness in my actions.

Caution and I don’t play well together for very long. I’ll give it a step or two before I throw my whole heart in, because I know how resilient and strong I am, because in some ways I want the world to break me open to let more in.

I can be a scientist and a mystic and find a place for both logic and pragmatism to dwell alongside the mysterious and occult. I can read and solve equations that tell us about the world at its most fundamental levels, but I let my mind dive deeper than the math goes, into a realm where there is no proof, only intuition.

The challenge has been to accept that others may be disappointed with my decisions because it will, at times, appear as if I’m not, because I’m not choosing motherhood or security or prestige or wealth.

Instead, I’m choosing wildness and freedom and magic.

And that’s a path I’m creating as I go.

Apr07

Falling Apart to Fall in Love

Sometimes everything needs to fall apart to be put back together in the right way.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself this past week.

Most people think I totally have it put together: successful business, living in a great area, new podcast, great friends. Honestly, I don’t know what “together” is sometimes. Here’s what I do know:

The past three months have been simultaneously both difficult and glorious. I’ve pushed myself into uncomfortable places and lived through some of my worst-case scenarios, and been made better for them. I launched a new podcast with a dear friend that I’m incredibly excited about. I’ve connected with new people and discovered that my tribe is even larger than I’ve previously known. I had a sponsor for a new project within 48 hours of starting to work on it. I fell in love unexpectedly and fully and deeply with an incredible guy.

This week’s challenge: I learned that my business has been operating at a loss for the last three months and may not survive if changes aren’t made.

And the changes aren’t easy ones. I’m starting by cutting my salary — I feel as owner and leader it’s my responsibility to take the first hit. But there are still difficult decisions to be made and I’m working through figuring out how to take care of my team while ensuring that this business is sustainable for all of us.

Truthfully, I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this. I’ve stood on stage and gushed about how amazing my business has been with all its growth. “Successful” has become part of how I’ve defined myself in the past few years.

But somehow along the way I’ve lost hold on what success really means. It’s not more money every year, or more employees, or more clients. It’s care and love and boundaries on my time so I’m not working 90 hour weeks. I’ve made some decisions that haven’t been the best ones, tried some experiments that have failed, been taken advantage of by people who only sought personal gain. And now it’s time to remember all the good I’ve done and that has come of this to reset it and start fresh again.

So while I was a little heartbroken to get the news this week, I’m choosing to see this as an opportunity to change things, rediscover the magic, and fall in love with this business again.

Mar21

Curveball

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