Apr07

Falling Apart to Fall in Love

Sometimes everything needs to fall apart to be put back together in the right way.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself this past week.

Most people think I totally have it put together: successful business, living in a great area, new podcast, great friends. Honestly, I don’t know what “together” is sometimes. Here’s what I do know:

The past three months have been simultaneously both difficult and glorious. I’ve pushed myself into uncomfortable places and lived through some of my worst-case scenarios, and been made better for them. I launched a new podcast with a dear friend that I’m incredibly excited about. I’ve connected with new people and discovered that my tribe is even larger than I’ve previously known. I had a sponsor for a new project within 48 hours of starting to work on it. I fell in love unexpectedly and fully and deeply with an incredible guy.

This week’s challenge: I learned that my business has been operating at a loss for the last three months and may not survive if changes aren’t made.

And the changes aren’t easy ones. I’m starting by cutting my salary — I feel as owner and leader it’s my responsibility to take the first hit. But there are still difficult decisions to be made and I’m working through figuring out how to take care of my team while ensuring that this business is sustainable for all of us.

Truthfully, I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this. I’ve stood on stage and gushed about how amazing my business has been with all its growth. “Successful” has become part of how I’ve defined myself in the past few years.

But somehow along the way I’ve lost hold on what success really means. It’s not more money every year, or more employees, or more clients. It’s care and love and boundaries on my time so I’m not working 90 hour weeks. I’ve made some decisions that haven’t been the best ones, tried some experiments that have failed, been taken advantage of by people who only sought personal gain. And now it’s time to remember all the good I’ve done and that has come of this to reset it and start fresh again.

So while I was a little heartbroken to get the news this week, I’m choosing to see this as an opportunity to change things, rediscover the magic, and fall in love with this business again.

Mar21

Curveball

Feb19

Discovery

The light is warm and inviting. During the day, there is sunlight that floods the room. At night it is warm and comfortable.

The room is filled with your favorite books, the right furniture, a kitchen, a soft bed, everything you need. It would be easy to spend all your days here — and indeed you have, comforted by the familiarity of the space.

Until one day, in tracing the lines of the walls, your fingers find a crack in the wall that reveals itself to be a door. You lean into it, and it opens into a hallway, elaborate and large. You don’t even stop to grab a flashlight.

There is artwork lining walls, a greenhouse flooded with sun, a ballroom with tall chandeliers. Beyond those, more rooms, some dark, some light, some empty, some filled with treasures.

And you realize that you’ve been living in this mansion all along, but only in one room.


That’s where I found myself this week, realizing that I had been living in one room of myself.

For the sake of metaphors, we’ll call it the Study. It’s where all the logical workings of business and finance and life have been happening for me. And while it has its own wonders, it’s become stifling and small. I’ve outgrown it.

The depth of who I am is much more daring and expansive. There are rooms I still have not discovered. But there is light and comfort, there is the seduction of candlelight and captivating scent of foreign flowers, there is darkness and wonder and mystery. There are hidden passageways and forgotten places waiting to be discovered. And even though I know it all, I am exploring and running the halls, laughing.

Where are you living?

Feb15

Stepping In

I hold myself back all the time. 

Sometimes, I’m holding myself back from myself, sometimes from my desires. Sometimes, I’m just holding myself back because I’m terrified of the power I could step into, or what I’ll find when I let go.

I think about letting go a lot. I’ve always been fascinated by Jean Grey from the X-Men comics. If I could be any superhero, it would be her, as troubled as she is by her power. Maybe I can’t move things with my mind, but something about having that expanse of power inside of us has always resonated with me.

We simply live within the walls built by society.

We are told that we should be these things and ought not do those things. We are regulated and indoctrinated with theories about wrong and right.

We are shamed into smallness.

Obviously, there are some things we cannot unleash. There is anger and rage and destruction that need to be directed in constructive ways.

But there’s always a darkness inside us. We may spend our lives running from it, or we many choose to contemplate it. What I’ve found is that the more I’ve sought to understand the darkness, the softer it becomes. It is not bad or evil. It does not make me, anymore than the light does.

So what are we made by? 

Is it our DNA? Our stories? The routines we live our lives by? Our deepest desires? The impulses we give in to? What we unleash when we are angry, or create when in love?

I’m listening to it all. And I don’t know what that will bring, but I’m done holding back. 

I’m witnessing the expanse of who I am, and I’m not containing it anymore simply because it may be judged.

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